Relationships Series #1

What’s Gambling At The Casino Got To Do With An Unhealthy Relationship?

I was recently helping a client decide what to do with a current relationship and an analogy between gambling and an unhealthy relationship I frequently use spoke volumes to the person.

Before going through the analogy however, a bit of psychological background information on learning theory is required. If you like, you can skip to the next paragraph, as what follows is a bit technical. Behaviours can be reinforced either continuously (i.e. all the time) or partially (i.e. some of the time). Although we would like to be reinforced all the time, the truth is that it only happens part of the time. Behaviours that are reinforced partially can be further described in two ways: 1) as being either fixed or variable; and 2) as either interval or ratio. ‘Fixed’ reinforcement is predictable, whereas ‘variable’ reinforcement is unpredictable. Reinforcement that occurs with an ‘interval’ means that the reinforcement occurs after an amount of time has passed, whereas ‘ratio’ means after a number of responses have occurred. If this information is confusing, don’t worry about it as the next paragraph is what is of importance. However, if you want some more in depth information about this topic, you can look up ‘reinforcement schedule’ in Google.

For the purposes of our analogy, a variable ratio reinforcement schedule is of importance. When this type of reinforcement schedule is used, a behaviour is reinforced at an unpredictable rate of responding, that is, you cannot predict when you will get reinforced with a reward. This creates a very high rate of responding because we think the next behaviour will eventually result in a reward, even though the last reward could have taken place so long ago in the past. In animal studies, a behaviour can continue for thousands and thousands of times even when no reward is received because the animal thinks that the next response will finally result in a reward. A variable ratio reinforcement schedule is what casino’s use and which in part leads to gambling addictions. Because a gambler cannot predict when they will win, they think “This time is it! It’s gotta happen soon!” They play that next hand of blackjack or throw that pair of dice once more because they hope the next one will lead to the big pay off.

So how’s gambling at the casino got to do with staying in an unhealthy relationship? All relationships are based on getting our needs met, which is a reward or reinforcer for being in the relationship. Some people stay in an unhealthy relationship because they are afraid of never finding someone else or they may believe that they deserve to be treated badly. Besides these examples, why do some people hold on even though a relationship may not meet their needs? My client in question stated their partner would win them back by doing something nice, even though no such behaviour had occurred for so long, and just at that point in which they were willing to leave the relationship. This is an example of the variable ratio schedule in effect. The person is hoping and hoping to get their needs met, that is a reinforcer to keep the relationship going, and just when they are about ready to give up, all of a sudden they receive what they were looking for! A gift, extra time spent together or that desired special trip. Then the pattern begins to repeats itself. Sound similar to the gambler hoping for that eventual payoff?

Since our relationships with others are an essential part of being human, we need a way to evaluate whether our relationships, whether platonic or with a romantic partner, are healthy. In the coming weeks, this ‘Relationship Series’ will start providing you with a way to evaluate your relationships with the help of what we will call an ‘Emotional Bank Account’.